The $POV Whitepaper

Today I bought $DOGE at $0.72. Elon was on SNL and I'm sure it's going to $1. This is financial freedom. I've taken out a loan to go all in. My wife doesn't know yet, but she'll thank me when we're rich.

Update: It's been 3 hours and I'm down 30%. This must be a temporary dip. Diamond hands! 💎🙌

Loss: $42,069

I've recovered from my DOGE losses by going all in on $SQUID. The Netflix show is huge, and this token is going to the moon! Already up 5000% in a day. I can't sell yet due to some "anti-whale mechanism" but that's good for long term holders like me.

Update: I can't sell. WHY CAN'T I SELL?! The price is dropping to zero. This can't be happening.

Loss: $123,456

RUGGED

I've learned my lesson. No more meme coins. I'm going with solid projects now. Just bought $LUNA at $87. This is a top 10 coin with real utility. The team is solid, and they have this amazing stablecoin called $UST. What could go wrong?

Update (May 2022): I don't want to talk about it.

Loss: $258,000

VIEW SPOILER

I've found the safest place to store my crypto: FTX! Their CEO is a genius billionaire who sleeps on a bean bag and drives a Toyota Corolla. So humble. I've deposited all my remaining funds there. They even give me 8% APY on my holdings!

Update: FTX is bankrupt. My account is frozen. SBF is on the run. I'm going to be sick.

Loss: $69,420

FUNDS NOT SAFU

I'm back in the game! Just bought a bag of $PEPE. It's based on that frog meme everyone loves. No utility, no roadmap, but it's already in the top 100 coins! This time I'm early. My strategy is simple: buy high, sell higher.

Update: $PEPE pumped to rank 31 by market cap! I could have taken profits, but I'm waiting for it to flip Ethereum. Diamond hands!

Update 2: The market crashed again. My $PEPE is worth 90% less than what I paid. But I'm still holding. It's not a loss if I don't sell, right?

Loss: $33,333

I've discovered the next big thing: $WIF (Dogwifhat). It's a dog wearing a hat. On Solana. Revolutionary stuff! Launched just a few months ago and already hit $4.5 billion market cap. The community is strong, and the memes are fire. This is definitely going to 10x from here.

Update: I bought at the local top. Again. But I'm not worried. Brave New Coin says it could hit all-time highs in the bull run. I just need to be patient.

Update 2: My wife found out about my crypto "investments." She's staying with her mother for a while. But when $WIF moons, she'll come back. They always do.

Loss: $28,500 (and my marriage)

I've hit rock bottom. I'm now investing in $FARTCOIN. Yes, a coin that makes fart sounds when you transact. It hit $1.59 and a billion-dollar market cap. The world has lost its mind, and so have I. But this is exactly the kind of ridiculous concept that moons in crypto!

Update: Every time I make a transaction, it plays a fart sound. This is what peak financial innovation looks like in 2025. My portfolio is down 50%, but at least I'm laughing.

Update 2: The Solana network went down again, and I couldn't sell during the dump. By the time it was back up, $FARTCOIN had crashed 95%. The fart sound when I checked my wallet balance was oddly appropriate.

Loss: $15,000

*PFFFFFT*

I'm back. My therapist said I need healthier role models, so naturally I bought $GIGACHAD. It's a Solana meme coin that went 1800% in a week. The logo is that muscular meme guy with the jawline. Maybe if I hold enough tokens, I'll become an alpha too.

Update: The dev team posted "We're all gonna wagmi, bros" then drained the liquidity pool. I should have known when they kept calling holders "exit liquidity chads."

Update 2: There's now a $VIRGIN coin launched by the same team. I bought that too. I hate myself.

Loss: $22,000

EXIT LIQUIDITY CHAD

Bought $MOODENG because it's based on a baby hippo. A BABY HIPPO. A wet, chubby, inexplicably moist creature from a Thai zoo. This is what my investment strategy has become.

Update: WAIT. WHAT? I'M UP?? I'M ACTUALLY UP! The hippo is bouncing! "Moo Deng" means "bouncy pork" and my portfolio is BOUNCING! Turned $1,331 into $8,000! Even Vitalik adopted this hippo!

Update 2: Sold too early. It went to $190M market cap. Could have made $100k+. I'm watching baby hippo videos crying tears of joy and regret. At least I'm finally green on something. The zoo is getting donations. I'm part of conservation now. Mom would be proud.

Profit: $6,669 (nice, but could've been $100k+)

FINALLY GREEN! 🦛

Someone told me $SPX6900 is "the S&P 500 for degens." It claims to be better than the actual stock market. I don't understand it, but it has "6900" in the name (69, nice) and went up 9,362% this year.

Update: I finally understood what SPX6900 means. It's literally just making fun of traditional finance. I'm investing in a joke about investing. The irony is killing me.

Update 2: My financial advisor called. I told him I'm my own index fund now. He hung up. I think he was crying.

Loss: $45,000 (ironically, more than I'd lose in the actual S&P 500)